REFLECTION on despair as a photographer
I am in the midst of my usual depression where I look at the raw files I bring back from a trip and just feel dreadful. I see the missed shots, the clutter, the lack of sharpness, the cut off bits and end up thinking ‘why do I bother’. At this point friends are quick to reassure me, which is rarely any solace as I still see what I see in my images; there is always too much truth in what I see wrong. I actually have missed too many images or not done them justice. Thankfully, as I comb through the disheartening dross I find some images at least worth working on and some of them turn out quite good eventually -though usually not enough.
It is true I take too many photos comprising the usual suspects: rapid fire images of moving subjects (dancers, flying birds etc) and safety images ‘in case the light gets worse’ or the bird flies away, and those shots you tell yourself you will fix later. The result is a despair-inducing truckload of images because the success to failure ratio is too high. I used to manage one good image per roll in film days but I suspect its much worse now.
I can’t ever remember any of my trips where I haven’t thought that I really want to go back and do a better job. In the case of Antarctica it is just so totally magical that I would love to return and suspect I will, though maybe not for a few years. I would return even though it will mean some places I want to revisit will be too rough to land at and some days the weather will be crap and despite the chance we may get the really rough crossing we avoided this last trip. I will return because it has claimed a place in my heart and I want to honour it better.
Some of this is of course probably intrinsic to travelling in any sort of tour, whether in a group or in your own.. You hit the place when you do and despite the imperfections of the light make the shot even though you know it will be flawed. Sometimes you can ‘save’ it but not very often. You don’t know what the story is; what you want to photograph here, today, until you have been there and then its usually too late. All too often I have hit on a story that engages me properly half way through the trip at best and with the knowledge that I really want this or that image from last weeks location.
I also get overwhelmed by my own desire to be every sort of photographer, by my expectations informed by other peoples’ images I have seen before I got there and by all the possibilities that the place triggers. Hopefully over time I will get clearer about what is my subject.
People sometimes bring out the old chestnut about the camera ‘getting in the way’ in this context. Mostly that is not my experience. Instead the camera has helped me see and see better over the years. On the other hand it must be possible to be more focused personally (and hopefully therefore optically). On this last trip I often actually hit the beaches running (from the zodiacs) so that I could get some landscape shots not full of other photographers (despite the relatively small numbers etc). Somehow though there must be a way of being more centred and considered at these times Even so, one will still probably get up saying ‘I really want a good image of a white (non-pooey) penguin on its nest with an uncluttered background and the chick looking cute, and all in good light’. Then end up regretting the missed landscape.
I also know that for the vast majority of my images that I love consistently, I knew they would possibly be great the moment I took them. Often I was in the place long enough to really have a connection, other times the light was right and I genuinely ‘pre-visualised’ the image, including how I would develop it in the darkroom or in Lightroom. Others of course just spoke to me. But I guess I was able to listen when they did. If only that were the case more often!
All this wouldn’t matter so much (shit happens after all) but I really want to be ‘good’ at this photography thing. I want to make moving and engaging photographs and to tell meaningful stories that communicate my delight and wonder. Images that I am happy with.
Its a work in progress.
Thanks Justine for stimulating this reflection.
